Skewers are not Fattening Apparently...

Who would of thought that a packet of skewers would need a "Nutritional Information" window.  I find this quite funny, but then I am a bit funny too.

Malaysian Vegemite?

The Lovely Husband and I ate out at a Malaysian restaurant recently, it was beautiful and authentic but I could not help but photograph this part of the menu.  Check out the ingredients in the Mama Prawns.  What the...? 

From a Dog's Perspective

ROGER: Staffordshire bull Terrier, mad as an axe, ADHD, cyclonic.

LAYLA: Retired and rescued greyhound.  Calm, quiet and always hungry.

Visitors

Roger:  Was that... is it... oh yes it was a car door slamming.  LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME.  I love you, I don't know who you are yet but I love you.

Layla:  Is someone here?  Excitement.  Maybe they will have food.  Maybe they will love me.  I always need love.

Roger:  It's the grandparents.  I LOVE the grandparents.  Grandad loves me!  Grandma too but with restrictions.  I want you both I WANT I WANT I WANT.  What the... the Pack Leader Mum has me by the collar but I will pull.  Maybe she will let go.  She is talking to me but all I hear is blah blah blah Roger! Those legs, I. must. lick. those. legs.  Grandad's legs are long and skinny and hairy.  His legs play with me and chase me.

Layla:  Grandparents.  I love them.  Do they have food?  Have they touched food lately?  Will they still smell of food?  Wet nose in their hands will tell me.

In The House

Roger:  The kitchen is off limits when food is being prepared or when the family are eating.  This is so hard!  I break the rules every day and every day I am sent out but one day they might forget and not notice me.  The cat can come and go as she pleases and she does this to show off.  I don't care.  I am bigger than her. 
If Pack Leader Mum is at the computer too long I bark at her.  If she swears or sighs or is upset I talk to her and come to comfort her.

Layla:  The kitchen is off limits when food is being prepared or when the family are eating.  If I walk very slowly and quietly, don't let my nails click on the floor I can bypass this rule.  The floor can contain smidgens of morsels of edible stuff.  The bin is my mecca.  I must get to the bin.
Wherever Pack Leader Mum is I am.  She often forgets things and goes up and down the hall or in and out of the house many times but I must stay with her.  I used to be lonely and isolated and I will never again be lonely and isolated. 

A Walk

Roger:  Smells are everywhere.  Here, there, all over the place.  Oh I gotta' pee.  I am in a big hurry.  You never know when the world might end or we have to go back home.  Quick quick quick.  Oh I gotta' pee.  Jackpot!  Calf poo.  I gotta' eat it before Layla finds it.  Scoff, choke, hack, scoff.  Oh I gotta' pee.  Oh yeah, carcass of rodent.  Mmmm, roll in that, roll roll roll.  I smell great. 

Oh Pack Leader Mum is calling home.  Quick quick quick.

Layla:  Freedom, run run run.  Smells everywhere.  Where is that rabbit?  Squat and pee.  RABBIT RABBIT RABBIT rabbit rabbit rabbit.... gone.  Ooh calf poo.  Eat it before Roger.  Where is that rabbit?  Smells everywhere.  Oh there is Pack Leader Mum at the top of the hill.  She loves me.  We are too far apart.  Run run run.  Puff puff puff.  Where is that rabbit?  Oh baby, calf placenta!  Roll roll roll.  I smell great!

Pack Leader Mum is calling home.  Gotta' go.  Do not want to lose my family.

An Outing

Roger:  Car trip!  Puff puff puff I am so excited and we haven't left home yet.  Ooh ooh ooh someone I don't know walking past the car.  I LOVE YOU!
On leash in open air and I want to sniff sniff sniff.  Oh I gotta' pee.  Person... I LOVE YOU.  I want to lick your legs.  Running away?  How exciting, me too.  Dog... I really want to know you before I decide whether to attack or play.  Pulling pulling pulling.  The lead may give way, I might be able to chase all those people/dogs/inanimate objects.  Oh I gotta' pee.

Layla:  Car trip?  Oh OK.  Mixed feelings of excitement and trepidation.  Pack Leader Mum and Dad drive round bends and my lo-o-ong legs have to surf them in a confined space.  Roger's excitement is catchy. 
On leash in open air and I stick close to my Pack Leader.  They might try and separate from me.  Dog... if I don't look at them maybe they will ignore me.  Eww they are sniffing me.  Stand tall and think of something else.  Food.  No time to sniff.  Got to focus on staying with Pack Leader.  Person... stay cool, don't do anything.  Oh a pat, lovely, I will take that.  I gotta' crap right here and right now.

Bed Time

Roger:  You are running late Pack Leader.  It is time, I am restless.  Are we going out yet?  Oh yay, it's time for my bedtime biscuit.  Big, hard biscuit.  Chained to my kennel first and then biscuit.  Chomp, crack, choke, cough, chomp.  Mmmm. Bed time with the mozzies.

Layla:  Are you sure it is that time?  What if I lie here just a bit longer.  Ooh biscuit, I forgot I was hungry.  You go first, there are toads out here.  Chained to my bed in shed and then biscuit.  Very gentle when I am given the biscuit.  Biscuit very hard.  Pack Leader leaves and I lie down and eat.  I want to be in the house with the family.  I am chained now because I wrecked the door to my shed. I stress when I am separated from the family.  But I know I will see them in the morning.  I will not be lonely or isolated again.  They even give me breakfast so I know I won't starve.

Twisted Sister, Dynamic Daughter & Jamie Oliver

We have just had a visit from the Twisted Sister from the Twisted City and it was a lot of fun.   A lot of our conversations and laughter evolves around food for some reason but that is not so bad.  She ain't a bad ol' stick really, we love her.

While Twisted Sister was here the 15 year old Dynamic Daughter came up with a drinking game while watching Jamie Oliver on TV.  Yes I said 15 year old.  We were all joking about how Jamie loves his olive oil "me ol' mate" and salt "just a bit of" with nearly all savoury dishes.  I am sure if he could find a reason he would put them into sweet stuff as well.  So DD suggested we have a drink every time he uses olive oil or salt, no brainer really.  Her poison was lemonade in shot glasses (there was more on the table than in the glass) and I am ashamed to say that my drink of choice at the time was water with a slice of lemon in it.  Not a very dangerous game eh?  But a lot of laughter ensued and excited shouts of "SALT SALT SALT" or "OIL" could be heard across the hills and valleys.  So from now on Friday nights will be in front of Jamie with a drink and shot glasses ready for "me ol' mate" and salt.  Aaah, we know how to live wild here in the country.  Never a dull moment, always a laugh and I would say quite full bladders on Friday nights with Jamie.

Twisted Sister and the Dynamic Daughter are both into Facebook and often keep up to date with each other that way.  One night, in the one house, in fact in the one room, they caught up with each other on Facebook, as you do.  Has conversation become so-o-o tiresome?

Twisted Sister has gone home, free range eggs packed in her luggage and my recipe for chicken schnitzel in her head, (Oh boy!).  No doubt we will see her again in the ever excitng country shouting "SALT", "OIL" or possibly "FACEBOOK".

Monster Mash

B & B

One

First B & B that comes to mind is the obvious one, Bed & Breakfast.  The Lovely Husband and I spent our 10 day honeymoon travelling around the isle of Tasmania 24 years ago and spent nearly every night in a lovely B & B.  What good memories.

Two

Bold and the Beautiful.  Vomit!  Who watches that nonsense?  Certainly not moi.  The plots are rehashed every couple of months.  I mean how many times do those stupid women Taylor and Brooke have to marry the man with the impossible name of Ridge?  He has divorced or been widowed by both women many times and still cannot make life decisions at 50 + years in age without his mother's consent. 

But I never watch the show. 

Brooke has married every male in two generations of Forresters and flirted with the third (her stepson), sicko.  She has had sex with both her daughters' boyfriends/husbands and wonders why Stephanie, her sometimes mother-in-law, does not approve. 

Ok, I have seen the odd episode.   And I would never discuss it at work with another BnB tragic.

Three

Bloated and Bleeding.  My least favourite time of the month.  Pregnancy and breastfeeding provided excellent reprieve all those years ago but one cannot be perpetually pregnant and breastfeeding and remain intact mentally and physically.  Nope, just have to wait it out.  It used to be a cause for celebration (I am woman hear me roar), and not pregnant.  I don't need that assurance anymore, not since I had the diamante clips placed over my fallopian tubes to prevent such mishaps, (one red stone, one green and one clear). 

If ever I am in some violent accident and the poor tired rescue worker or surgeon trying to piece my near lifeless body back together gazes upon my diamante fallopian tube clips and wonders, perhaps sighs with the beauty of them, you know, gives them a precious sight in the scene of blood and guts and gravel rash.  They would go home after 18 hours straight, exhausted and depressed and be able to look back at those sexy little fallopian tubes and maybe they will smile.  Cue tear, just a single one. 

HEY, do you think I could write for the Bold and the Beautiful?  Hell yes, I have the talent, I have the imagination and the crap-metre is way, way up here.  The whole diamante fallopian tube clip scenario could be a winner.  Or not.  Whatever, all I know is is that B & B number three is always a pleasure (sarcasm reigns supreme right now).