Acquired Brain Injury. Traumatic Brain Injury. Closed Head Injury. These have all been used to describe my brain injury. I would like to add Acquired Traumatic Emotional Injury.
Before my brain injury I was an independent, strong willed and busy person. Have I mentioned that I am stubborn too? I worked three days a week, I helped out at our little country school, I was in the Parent Support Group of the cubs/scouts, I was a driving force behind a small local newsletter and like most parents I drove the children to all manner of sports and after school commitments/social gatherings. I rode my horse three times a week. I was busy to the point of stress sometimes but accepted it as parenthood. I rarely, if at all, asked for help. I was too proud and thought it a weakness not to be able to cope.
In one small moment all of that was no more.
After accepting I would not be "cured" in a matter of days I immediately quit the volunteer commitments. That felt strange but not terrible. I was too busy before anyway. My employer would give me time to recover and come back when it was possible.
The hardest thing about this change in my life, and I cannot express just how hard it was for me, was to ask for help. I needed it. I feel the anxiety of it now as I write this, even after all this time. I could not get the kids the 1km to school (busy country road with no footpath) or their after school activities in town. We live on a small property about 9km from town and there is no public transport. My Very Good Neighbour started to walk the children to school but the bus driver found out and offered to pick them up from her driveway every day. My Very Good Neighbour also took my daughter to her Irish dance classes once a week. Our friends became hockey mum, cub/scout dads and mums. I also had friends who were the 'get-me-out-of-the-house-for-while' committee. My family and friends transported me to appointments, visited me, understood my lack of comprehension and organisation. The care and understanding my immediate family and I received was humbling and amazing and beautiful.
Emotionally it was oh so tough. Frustration, impatience and defeat, all of which I felt acutely. Why was this happening to me? Why is it taking so long?
My emotions were erratic. When I was over-fatigued I was cranky and/or teary. I had trouble making decisions and problem solving. One of the organisations I used to volunteer with had difficulty understanding my lack of enthusiasm for their needs. I had no bandage, I was not limping, I appeared to be normal except I would no longer help out. They became unhappy with me and in turn I found their lack of understanding upsetting. Brain injury is considered the "invisible injury".
Simple things like working out how much change I should receive when purchasing goods, following a story line in a novel and keeping up with the number of characters within did not happen in my brain. I read one of the Harry Potter books during this early time but had to reread it at a later date to remember what happened. Coping with conversations with more than one person or verbal instructions were quite impossible. Traffic that was not flowing and line-ups in shops etc were a cause for stress.
My confidence took a nose dive! My happiness bar dropped significantly. I had insomnia and with that came extreme anger. I became verbally abusive to myself and inanimate objects around me. Anxiety and guilt at having to use my family and friends to help me out were consistent. And all this with a MILD brain injury. It is difficult to imagine what the people with severe or moderate brain injury go through.
Not once did I think that all this would not pass. I knew I would recover, I would return to my previous life (albeit with a new appreciation of it) and this would all become just an unpleasant memory. I told you I was stubborn.
I was wrong. Apparently in a small percentage of mild brain injured people there is a complication known as Post Concussive Disorder. This means that the person does not make a full recovery and is left with some symptoms that either do not resolve or gradually and mildly improve over years. Bingo! Lucky me. The one symptom I did not want to be stuck with was fatigue. Bingo again! My fatigue is still significant and I have at least 1.5 hours rest/sleep every afternoon. I still cannot concentrate for long periods of time and I have very mild short term memory and problem solving skills deficits.
All in all, I am doing pretty darn well really. These days I am happy and involved in life at a scaled down level. My family and friends stuck by me and I will be forever grateful. The Human Resources Manager with my employer never once pressured me or doubted me while I was recovering. I work three half days a week and sometimes I cannot manage even that but again there is support and understanding. I am the luckiest 'head case' I know and my friends have teased me, joked with me and continue to make me happy.
I AM A BETTER PERSON THAN I WAS BEFORE THE INJURY. I have more compassion for others, I have empathy and understanding. I don't have time for bull**** or people who are insincere or mean. Life is as it is and we should live it.
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